@@@@@Had she been different when I did see her,
@@@@@Had she been different when I did see
her, I should have made no complaint, but from the very first she
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was altered: my first reception was so unlike what I had hoped, that
I had almost resolved on leaving London again directlyI need not
particulariseYou know the weak side of her character, and may
imagine the sentiments and expressions which were torturing me
She was in high spirits, and surrounded by those who were giving
all the support of their own bad sense to her too lively mindShe is a cold-hearted, vain woman, who has
married entirely from convenience, and though evidently unhappy
in her marriage, places her disappointment not to faults of judgment,
or temper, or disproportion of age, but to her being, after all,
less affluent than many of her acquaintance, especially than her sister,
Lady Stornaway, and is the determined supporter of everything
mercenary and ambitious, provided it be only mercenary and ambitious
enoughI look upon her intimacy with those two sisters as the
greatest misfortune of her life and mineThey have been leading
her astray for yearsCould she be detached from them!—and sometimes
I do not despair of it, for the affection appears to me principally
on their sideThey are very fond of her; but I am sure she does
not love them as she loves youWhen I think of her great attachment
to you, indeed, and the whole of her judicious, upright conduct
as a sister, she appears a very different creature, capable of everything
noble, and I am ready to blame myself for a too harsh
construction of a playful mannerI cannot give her up, FannyShe
is the only woman in the world whom I could ever think of as a
wifeIf I did not believe that she had some regard for me, of course
I should not say this, but I do believe itI am convinced that she is
not without a decided preferenceI have no jealousy of any individual
It is the influence of the fashionable world altogether that I
am jealous ofIt is the habits of wealth that I fearHer ideas are not
higher than her own fortune may warrant, but they are beyond what
our incomes united could authoriseThere is comfort, however, even
hereI could better bear to lose her because not rich enough, than
because of my professionThat would only prove her affection not
equal to sacrifices, which, in fact, I am scarcely justified in asking;
and, if I am refused, that, I think, will be the honest motiveHer
prejudices, I trust, are not so strong as they wereYou have my
thoughts exactly as they arise, my dear Fanny; perhaps they are some370
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times contradictory, but it will not be a less faithful picture of my
mindHaving once begun, it is a pleasure to me to tell you all I feel
I cannot give her up